Awareness. Wait. What?

PMS is not imaginary and neither are its effects, and I refuse to play along with it like it’s a joke.  This time it is WAY better than last months, which was terrible and hurtful for everyone involved, but I am snappy and sensitive, which leads to anger.  Some of that can be attributed to the Connecticut shooting, I have been a little extra off- balance emotionally since Friday.  My eating has been atrocious.  Again, this can be attributed to my period.  It’s a pattern.  I know my body, I listen to it, and I pay attention to what it tells me, especially when it tells me the same thing every month.  This is why I have been charting my period for the last three years.  Being aware of it makes it easier to deal with without turning into a monster; it’ll take more practice.

I made cake batter fudge this weekend for Eli’s half birthday celebration at school.  I didn’t take any pictures of the cooking process, but I will post pictures tomorrow.  I asked my friends on Facebook if they could suggest children’s books that I can read to the class tomorrow.  Eli is having a hard time choosing.  He really wants to read Robot Santa, but it might be too long.  I want to read Raising Dragons, but Eli says he doesn’t want that one.  We have to nail one down tonight!  I am also making a double batch of bubblegum scented playdough for class.  I didn’t ask him what color he wanted, school color is red, but red always turns pink.  However, Eli loves the color pink so it probably works out perfectly!  Except it might look too much like bubblegum…

I have finished my first week of my new classes and I am back into a nice routine.  I have a lot of writing to do this week.  Two 2,000 words essay’s and two 700 words essays; both on topics that interest me; the brain, and society and culture.  I spent Saturday afternoon at Panera Bread with a bowl of french onion soup and a salad and did all my textbook reading for the coming week.  I really enjoy doing that.  I am less likely to fall asleep while reading when I am reading in a public place.  I drank two full cups of cherry pepsi.  I also had a cherry danish.  I should have made a different choice.  If I am not careful around this time I am liable to undo all the work I have done this month.

Day 38 talks about using food as an indication of or a means to power.  She starts out by describing what I believe is known as a power lunch.  I have never had a power lunch; I don’t think I want one.  Linda Spangle says that at a business lunch the conversation is dominated by the person eating a steak and not the person eating a salad.  Bah!  Is that really how the business world works, because weird!  This doesn’t apply much to my life, at least not in the context she is using it.  Food has power over me, but I don’t use food as a projection of power.

So anyway, this chapter doesn’t deal much with me, but I am severely lacking willpower right now.  This is where it would be easy to blame PMS.  PMS is guilty for giving me stronger cravings for foods that comfort me.  I am guilty of saying yes.  So instead of continuing to move forward right now I am going to go back to some of the chapters on aware eating, willpower, and choices.  Eating pieces of cake batter fudge each time I walk into the kitchen is not being aware of what I am consuming.  I spent 2 minutes in front of the fridge looking at the container of potato salad in the fridge before I decided to wait until lunch and have some then.

  • Sarah: 1
  • Food: 1 (the cake batter fudge)

I am back to Day 25, where we learned about smaller amounts, less often.  I have fallen into the habit of eating without awareness.  Right now I have a tupperware container half filled with leftover cake batter fudge.  It is delicious.  Smaller amounts less often.  I would like to get to a point where I give myself a reward for eating well each day.  1 piece of fudge is something that is very doable, and would not throw me into a tailspin of shit.  That’s the plan for the week regarding my eating.

Eating just because it’s there.  Day 28.  You are my friend, I need you right now.  I need a reminder that I need to answer two questions before I eat whatever it is that is there and has made it into my mouth.  Am I eating this for fuel or for flavor?  If the answer is neither, which it is, then it shouldn’t be in my mouth.  This is important during the holidays.  Especially if you are going to be out at different people’s places where food and snacks and treats are the center of the party.  Who doesn’t love to eat food at parties?

This reminds me!  I have been sitting on an email for the last few weeks from Linda Spangle’s website.  Be aware that she is Christian and uses personal experiences in the church to illustrate concepts before relating it to weight loss and management support.  I find it very easy to discard the parts that do not apply to me and still gain great motivation from her.

So anyway, this email I’ve been sitting on; she calls it, Dust Yourself Off and Get Moving.  It was right after Thanksgiving that I got it in the email, and she related a story about eating too much at her Thanksgiving celebrations even though she had intended to eat with awareness, and avoid eating just because it’s there.  She had a plan in place for the food pushers.  She packed her workout clothes; they never made it out of her suitcase.  She reminded me that in the big picture overeating only lasts for a infinitesimally small amount of time, and that we basically need to stop punishing ourselves so severely for something that should be taken in stride and only given as much importance as it warrants.  Dust yourself off and get moving.  Eating two pieces of pie is not so terrible that you should punish yourself by eating more and more and then abandoning your gym for a week.  Sound familiar?  Well.  I was kind of smug because I was like, “oh yeah, I did a really good job at Thanksgiving.”  *pats self on back*

Fast forward.

After a weekend of fried chicken, Panera Bread, McDonalds (i know i know), and cake batter fudge, I opened my email.  Pull Yourself Up.  She offers a tip for jump starting your lagging exercise routine by finding someone else who is struggling more than you and helping them by providing encouragement and motivation.

  • Hope
  • Courage
  • Power

All of these things are essential for the success of anything you do that is hard or scary.  Weight loss can be really hard and really scary, especially if you are dealing with an emotional eating disorder.  By helping someone else build hope, courage, and power in themselves, you begin building it in yourself.

Workout motivation of the week.  Tip #5  I Suck at Sports.  I do indeed.  Our workouts should play to our strenghths.  If I am trying to play raquetball with Jacelyn at the CRC and all I can do is cringe and huddle when the ball comes at me I am not getting a good workout but I am inducing an anxiety attack so I should probably just choose not to use that sport as a workout.  I have the Couch to 5k app on my phone and I have a friend in the cities who is also using it and we have both mentioned running in something together next year.  I really love the idea of the color run and I think running it with Wendy would be super fun.  But I keep telling myself I am going to start the app when I get back from California in the middle of January.

Why am I waiting?  There is no good reason to wait.  Any reason I could come up with would absolutely have to be categorized as an excuse.

I will start tomorrow, because today I am not going to the gym, unless I change my mind, which might happen…just sayin.

 

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