I’m not sick anymore, and the apathy has disappeared too.

There really has been a lot of stuff going on in my head, and all of it is interesting, at least to me.  Some of it is positive, some of it is negative, and some of it is just whatever.  You get to hear all about it, well, most of it, some of it has to stay off the internet.  Wait…who said that?

First, I dropped the ball on my current classes, I pretty much hate them and that is reflected in my work and my grades.  My streak of A’s is over and my GPA has been compromised.  I am not beating myself up over it but I am thinking about how I can change my educational goals so that I can avoid math at all costs in the future.  Philosophy is boring, did you know that?  Or maybe my hatred of algebra has tainted the philosophy class.  I have one week left then I move on to Sociology and Psychology 240, The brain, the body, and the mind, all together now.  I imagine I will enjoy both of those classes, mostly because there is no algebra involved.  I am only 19 weeks away from getting my Associates Degree.  Fantastic!

Right now my major is Psychology, and I am really enjoying it, but I am thinking of changing majors to English and possibly pursuing a career in technical writing.  I think I would have to switch to a different school, which is not a bad idea because University of Phoenix is proving to disappoint me, and I have been informed by a few people that switching majors at UOPX is a huge pain in the ass.  This requires more thought; I’ll keep you posted.

I quit working out but started up again today with 30 minutes at the gym.  I have lost some endurance in my weeks of laziness so now I get to start building it up again.  I was complimented on my sweatiness after my workout today.  That means I did a good job of challenging myself, that is if you are not aware of my propensity to sweat in the first place.  Looking at the elliptical causes me to sweat.  Tomorrow will be better, and in the evening I will be taking the kids swimming.  It’s been a few weeks because of being sick and then getting my period.  The pool is so relaxing, I am really looking forward to it.

This is going to be a huge weekend of awesome.  Miss Alice has her first basketball practice before going to her dads for the weekend, Eli gets to spend the day and night with Amelia and Wendy while Trav and I go see Macklemore at 1st Ave in Minneapolis with Amanda and Jon, and then Sunday morning we are taking everyone out for breakfast at The Egg and I, which I found out from Google still exists on Lyndale!  It still exists!  YES!

We are going thrift store shopping before heading to the show, and yes, we will likely be blasting this song and singing at the top of our lungs on the way to each thrift store.  I can barely handle the awesome of everything.  Barely.

I am also officially back on track in my book, starting on Day 34, which is where I left off before the ick seized me and made me its bitch.  If I remember correctly I was working on recognizing signs of hunger and fullness in myself as a way to gauge how much food I need to eat when I need to eat.  I read this day before I got sick and throughout the last couple of weeks I have been practicing on and off recognizing and vocalizing my inner cues that I am full and should stop eating.  This was not the case when I was consuming two cheap advent calendars full of chocolate but that is neither here nor there, or maybe it is in both places and I should stop stuffing my face full of gross advent calendar chocolate.  Whatever, get off my back.

What I have learned about myself is that when I have reached that stage of perfectly satisfied, not too full and not still hungry, I take a big deep breath and hold it for a few seconds.  This is usually where I joke that I am making room for more food and promptly begin giving it to myself.  What the author of the book says I should do is move the food away from me and wait for 20 minutes, which is how long it takes your stomach to tell your brain that you are full, and then decide if I really want to eat more of the food.  I am willing to bet that if I do this consistently I will find that I don’t want any more of the food.  At restaurants I make myself place my dirty napkin on top of the food that is left on the plate as a physical cue to myself that I don’t want anymore because I am full.  Doing this at home would require that I purchase napkins and that isn’t likely to happen because I like to live on the edge.  Dirty hands be damned, I will not let you rule me!  What should I do at home then?  Getting up and clearing my plate right away is probably the best bet.

I am still all about tricking myself.  If it works right?

Also, I have gotten away from eating oatmeal in the morning even though I love it; I mentioned apathy right?  This morning I forgot to eat altogether which could probably explain my struggle at the gym.  Tomorrow I plan to eat before I work out.

I stumbled on an article that was linked to from a livestrong.com page and while I snark at the title, 13 Excuses Super-Fit Chicks Never Make, the tips were surprisingly helpful, even though I don’t want to be super fit, I just want to be less unfit than I am now, and the big flabby arms are an issue, of epic proportions…HA!  I am going to explore the first one today.

The excuse is:  But I just don’t want to workout.

This is my go to excuse when I have enlisted Travis’s help to keep me motivated.  He will gently suggest that I go to the gym because it will make me feel better and I will slovenly declare while I pull the blanket up to my chin and throw my leg over the back of the couch that I, “just don’t want tooooo…”  Yeah well that article tells me that this means I need a MAJOR wake-up call, because exercise is something that everyone needs to engage in for maintaining a healthy life.  I want to be alive and hanging out with my husband 40 years from now, if exercising has the ability to help make that more of a possibility than why wouldn’t I want to?  If that isn’t enough how about this, my sex life is much better when I am working out regularly.  Who doesn’t want a more fulfilling sex life?  If that is not enough to make me “want” to workout how about the relationship between depression and physical activity?  I am a chronically depressed individual who is successfully managing her mental illness with Zoloft, but adding regular exercise to the mix gives me more of a chance of living life in a non-depressive state.  I should want that right?  Right.  So 30 minutes or more of exercise 5 days a week to help with all of that seems like a pretty small price to pay.

So if I say I just don’t want to work out I am saying I don’t want to have good sex, I don’t want to have a long life with my husband, and I don’t want to find natural ways to alleviate physical and mental symptoms of depression.  None of those things are true, so I guess I should work out.

Today’s Takeaway:  Eat until you are full, if you don’t know what full feels like, listen to your body while you eat and try to pinpoint when the physical sensations change during your meal.  Also, move your body for more reasons than just “getting skinny.”

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3 thoughts on “I’m not sick anymore, and the apathy has disappeared too.

  1. “Philosophy is boring, did you know that?” Well! I never! I happen to hold the opinion that everything is philosophy. How can you escape it? Enjoying the study of psychology while dismissing philosophy; what is that? You write well, maybe you should focus on the English language in your academic pursuits. This is discombobulated right here. Gotta make food happen. Love Ya! Weirdos.

    • I thought I was going to love philosophy and I was so excited for it, but for some reason when it started it was like running into a brick walk of not awesome. I agree with your opinion that everything is philosophy, maybe it’s just not conducive to online learning. Whatever it is, I am disliking it and can’t wait for it to be over.

      Psychology is exciting for me because it has given me some insight into my mistakes and how they have affected my family, but ultimately I have discovered that it is difficult for me to empathize with people who are also struggling with mental health issues, and that is really not a great quality in a psychologist. English is probably my best bet.

      What did you eat?

  2. Hey there! I understand your struggles. Have you considered your zoloft medication as a culprit….everyone I know has gained at least 20-60 lbs from zoloft. Then when they try to quit they get “brain zaps” and other unpleasant side effects, sometimes a lengthy weaning process helps. There are natural alternatives to help with depression like amino acids with no side effects. Check out Dr. Mercola’s website that has lots of good advice and info about health matters. You really don’t want to be on zoloft forever….it causes too many problems including depression in some people! Take care & I hope you take my heartfelt advice.

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