I am doing something new with recording this 100 day journey of dropping weight. It seems that blogging everyday is getting more difficult with the other demands of my day, so instead I am going to reserve the blogging for Monday mornings, when I work on Envisage and include a weeks worth of lessons from the book in one big post. We will see if I can keep up better this way without making myself feel guilty for not doing it every single day. I figure as long as I am continuing to eat well and pay attention to my activity level without blogging everyday I will stay on track and drop the guilt, happily.
But first let’s talk about some bullshit of mine, goody!
It’s no secret that I am on anti-depressants, and it’s no secret that without them I am certifiably fucked up in a clinically diagnosed severe chronic depression kind of way. Without my meds I am a person that is unrecognizable to myself and to those around me. Not taking meds is not an option, it will never be an option. In addition to the positive effects the medication has on me there is a doozy side-effect as well. Female sexual dysfunction which is a nice clinical way to say I have no desire and no sexually pleasing sensation when engaging in sexual acts.
Skip ahead if you are really uninterested in hearing about any of this. Seriously, do it now because I don’t really want to hear about it later. If you are one of those that thinks I shouldn’t be talking about this then you are likely one of those who shouldn’t be fucking reading it. You’ve been warned.
This is a running theme in all of my relationships, and what it usually signifies is the beginning of the end. When I can’t muster up the desire or the drive to fuck the most desirable man I know, that desirable man begins to think that something is wrong with him, and his feelings get hurt and I go on the defensive in a bid to protect myself. In the past the solution has been to stop taking my meds so I can sexually fulfill my partner, which turns into Sarah going fucking batshit insane, so as I have already decided, that will not be happening this time. The meds stay. That means the sexual dysfunction stays too.
So now I am frozen, and I feel worthless, and I am scared, and I don’t trust my husband to understand that it isn’t about him, but about me. It isn’t about him, it is about ME. I cannot fake desire, I cannot pretend to feel sexual pleasure that is not there.
Poke yourself in the forehead three times. That is what it feels like to me. My clitoris feels like a piece of overcooked meat. If intercourse feels like anything it is pain. Fun right?
How do I fix this? I don’t know but I do know that suggestions that ask me to do things I am uncomfortable with in a time when I am frozen and uncomfortable are not it. I know that the suggestions are given with love and concern for both Travis and myself, but I simply cannot do those things right now, and that just makes me feel worse.
I am so unhappy right now.
My book talks about what the author calls the “half-off special.” Basically, if I have issues with eating too much at one sitting I should make the effort to eat only half of what I would normally eat. She makes the distinction between eating in and eating out and how eating in makes it a little easier to do than eating out does, however, I disagree. When I am out at a restaurant I can ask the server to bring me a to go box with my meal and split it up immediately, half-off special done. At home I can simply take half on my plate and immediately put the leftovers in the fridge. I think both ways are just as easy. All I have to do is make the effort and create a habit.
I sort of practiced this yesterday. I gave in to the urge to get a bacon bacon biscuit from Hardee’s on my way to Sunday morning coffee, and then I shared that bitch with my friend Smuff. Half-off special for the win!
Day 20 Takeaway: Sometimes half is not enough so make the commitment to eat half of the food and save the rest for 2 hours later, if I still feel as though I need it, then I will eat it, otherwise I’ll save it for tomorrow.
Today was all about eating with awareness which I have touched on in the previous 20 days. There are two reasons to eat, to fuel my body and to appreciate the flavors of the food I am choosing to put into my face. When I eat with awareness that means that I am eating something that has the main purpose of fueling me effectively (remember Grandma Patti? I eat to live I do not live to eat), or that has the main purpose of giving my taste buds an orgasm of flavor. When I am aware that I want that flavor then I slow down and I savor every motherfucking bite. When I am aware that I am attempting to fuel my body I choose foods that will do that effectively regardless of their taste, eating to live.
How many times have you devoured a fast food burger that you didn’t even taste in an effort to put food in your body quickly as a way to save time during your busy day? If you are anything like me more often than you would like. This is the best example of eating without awareness. It isn’t providing effective fuel and it probably isn’t even worth savoring for the taste. Did you know that when you make the effort to eat well McDonalds starts tasting like utter shit? True story.
Day 21 Takeaway: Slow down. Choose food that fuels you or tastes amazing, and then when you eat it, savor it.
Today gives me some ideas for training myself to eat with awareness. The author gives me a few ideas for cultivating awareness of my food. Face it, sometimes I have to multi-task while I eat, because I am a busy human being who has lots to do. I don’t always have time to sit down and love the shit out of my food. This doesn’t mean I can’t be aware of it when I am eating it, it just means I have to learn how to do it, and how do I learn how to do that? Say it with me now, I TRAIN myself.
Here is what she suggests: put food on my plate (use a plate I love), sit down with it in front of me and spend some time looking at it, smell it and appreciate the way it smells, look at its texture, are there patterns in it, look at them. Take a bite and savor it. Let it sit on my tongue for a little bit and really recognize all that I love about it. Next take a fat bite and chew it quickly, swallow it without paying any attention to the flavor or the texture. Now pick up my plate and walk around while I take another bite that I savor, try another bite that I am not paying attention to, and then sit down and savor the rest of it.
Do this while you are doing laundry. Have a pile of clothes to fold? Still need to eat breakfast? Fold 10 shirts and then take a bite of your food and savor it. Fold 10 more items and take a another bite that you commit to savor.
Day 22 Takeaway: Learn to pay attention to the food you are eating even when you have to eat it quickly or while doing other things.
Today we continue talking about savoring food. The author suggests grabbing a piece of candy for the exercise she talks about, and says that andes mints are the best ones for this. However, if you don’t have Andes mints in the house, for the sake of everything good in the world DO NOT go out and buy some for the purpose of completing this exercise, because seriously, use your brain, it’s there for a reason.
I grabbed a fun size kitkat from the Halloween candy stash. I split it in half (half-off special), then took teeny bites of each of the corners and after each bite I let it melt on my tongue and payed attention to the texture. Then I bit it in half, savored it, then ate the other half, and savored it.
This goes along with the two-bite rule that we discussed earlier. Yesterday at Sunday morning coffee, Smuff came out of the kitchen with a pumpkin bar covered in cream cheese frosting on a plate. I took two bites of that fucker, the bar, not Smuff, and I savored them. I let the flavors melt on my tongue and appreciated the coolness of the frosting, then I stopped, and I didn’t feel deprived. It tasted fantastic and I walked away from the table feeling good about myself for not devouring an entire piece.
Also, this is as far as I made it last time when I tried this. So while everything up to this point has been review for me, everything after this point is completely new.
Day 23 Takeaway: Savor your food with small bites, appreciate the flavors, the textures, and the purpose you are eating it, fuel or flavor, or both, because they are not mutually exclusive.
Eat for satisfaction she said. Wait…what? Uh…she said before that there are only two reasons to eat, fuel and flavor, but apparently there are three reasons, fuel, flavor, and satisfaction. Whatever, I’ll take it. How many of you have eaten and not felt satisfied when you were done? *raises hand* When you finish and you aren’t satisfied yet what do you generally do? I usually look for some other food that will be the magical one that makes me feel satisfied. After I eat that and I am still not satisfied what do I do, look for more, and more, and more. I never reach satisfaction but I do get fat.
So how do I reach satisfaction when nothing seems to satisfy? First I have to make the distinction between food and emotion. Is it really food I need to satisfy me or is something else going on? If it isn’t food that I am looking for does that mean I can’t eat something. Hell no. I can eat something as long as I savor it, appreciate it, and eat it with awareness. This is also a good time to put into practice the two bite rule or the half-off special. After I eat the food and I am not satisfied I MUST take the time and put forth the effort to figure out what I really need. Food has not worked so I have to find what will, and usually that is something emotional. Emotional shit is usually pretty scary, at least for me it is, and I usually try to do anything to keep from dealing with it. Time to grow up I suppose.
Day 24 Takeaway: Practice two bites, practice half-off, try food first and if it doesn’t work to satisfy you do yourself a favor and try something else.
Smaller amounts less often. Today the topic is deprivation. Deprivation is the death blow to any diet. Who am I to tell myself I can’t eat something if I want it? I am an adult, I can do what I want. Right? Yeah, but you don’t have to do it so often you get fat and unhealthy. Instead of rebelling against moderation by stuffing your face full of the stuff you want but don’t need plan it into your meals.
I really like ice cream, but instead of eating a fat bowl every night after dinner I reserve it for Friday night. How is this not deprivation? It’s not deprivation because I haven’t said that I will NOT eat ice cream ever again for as long as I live, or at least until I lose 30 lbs. Nope, I said, I love ice cream but I am pretty sure I don’t need a fat bowl of it every night after dinner so instead I will reserve that fat bowl for Friday night after a week of eating healthier meals with awareness.
If waiting until Friday night seems to difficult, then reduce that fat bowl of ice cream every night to a small bowl of ice cream every night. Take it in steps because to be successful does not mean getting it perfect right out of the cage. Sometimes we have to do it slowly, and that is just fine.
Who loves Sanjay Gupta? I do. I like his little 30 second radio spots and I heard one last week that I really really liked and have thought about over the weekend. In this particular spot he says, eat breakfast like a king, lunch like a peasant, and dinner like a pauper. Big breakfast, smaller lunch, even smaller dinner. Linda touched on this when she discussed that what we put into our bodies in the morning directly affects what we put into our bodies throughout the day.
Day 25 Takeaway: Don’t deprive yourself, plan the food that isn’t so great for you into your diet so you feel satisfied with smaller amounts less often. Eat breakfast like a king, lunch like a peasant, and dinner like a pauper.