For the first time in my life I have health insurance that is not state run. This requires a physical, if you get the physical each year and participate in the health management program they have developed, your premium is lower. Today was the day.
Yesterday I received a book in the mail that I intended to buy for my Kindle, but accidentally bought in hard copy form.
I think it may have been a happy accident, because I think this may be the kind of motivation I have been looking for. I am unsatisfied with my weight. I know what I have to do and I have the tools and the time to do it. I am aware of what good nutrition consists of and I actually love eating that way. I am also inconsistent and terribly prone to procrastination and I am really good at coming up with lame ass excuses for why I can’t possibly move for twenty minutes today and tomorrow and all the way to next fucking month!
Enough! The fact is that I can still fit into all of my clothes, except these…
They were my favorite jeans last fall, and I remember the way I felt when I put them on. I want to feel that way again so I dug into my first and last Cadbury Creme Egg of the year…
Told myself I was fucking awesome…
…and did the exercise for Day One.
The book instructed me to take stock of the behaviors I associate with eating and loss of control, I had to list them:
- Middle of the night grazing.
- pms eating
- mindless snacking
- I slip up, feel like I ruined it and end up failing
- My weight defines me
- I only lose weight during emotional crisis situations
- I make bad choices
- I am inconsistent
Alright, so there it all is. Everything I do and think about my weight and my struggles with it. I have given them shape and now I am going to rip the fucking power right out of them, like this:
- I used to eat in the middle of the night, but now I wait until morning.
- I used to use pms as an excuse to make bad choices,but now I see it for what it is, an excuse.
- I used to sit and eat out of bags and boxes, but now I pay attention to serving size.
- I used to slip up on my diet plan then feel like I failed and sabotage the rest of my day or week, but now I recognize the impossibility of never making a mistake. I choose to hold myself to a more realistic set of expectations.
- I used to let my weight define me, but now I insist on defining myself.
- I used to only lose weight during crisis situations, but now I eat healthy all the time because I deserve to be taken care of not punished.
- I used to make choices fueled by emotion, but now I recognize my ability to implement the nutrition and fitness goals I have as a way to balance my mental health.
- I used to be inconsistent but now I stick to a schedule of physical activity as a daily occurrence in order to further my goal of looking like a fucking pin-up girl for Travis.
The hardest thing for me to do is not look at Day Two and what the author has in store for me. I do know that this exercise lit a spark, and I think this is what I have been looking for to help me in a quest to finally reconcile the one thing I have yet to be comfortable with; my body and my health. I can be healthier and it doesn’t matter in the least who I am doing it for or why, the point is I can so why the fuck aren’t I?