I ate a jr. bacon cheeseburger at Wendys and a medium shamrock shake from McDonalds. I shared the shake with the kids, and finished the night with apples, oranges and a banana. We haven’t worked out in the last three days as I have been on a rollercoaster of shit that combines my insecurity, low self esteem, and learned instinct to protect myself and my children.
Combine that with 5 days without my antidepressant, due to my own negligence, and you get a really explosive situation that plays on my co-dependency issues like they’re a fucking playground. This time I realized that I have a very overactive fight or flight response.
This time I noticed myself taking Trav’s emotions and making them not only mine, but also all about me. I turned a situation that has NOTHING to do with me into a situation that was about nothing but me. How fucking unfair is that?
After making it all about me, I turned around and placed all the blame squarely on Trav’s shoulders and turned away from him completely, with a nicely solid door between us, me and my kids on one side and him, alone, on the other. Seriously? WTF?!? That isn’t the me of today, it just simply is not. I recognize her like an old skin, that used to be necessary and safe, but that isn’t what she feels like now. Now she feels crackly and weird, like a suit made out of tinfoil that doesn’t fit well. Just wrong, uncomfortable, and shaming.
This learned instinct is clearly one that is unnecessary in my current family situation. The results it brings are far reaching, and I am certain contributed heavily to the development of my unsuccessful relationships, which were epic dysfunctional failures. I hurt three groups of people with this primal instinct I have developed, myself, my children, and my husband. My children learn to react to situations by watching me and how I react. It turns out I react like a 4 yr. old little boy who lost his 3ds for acting like a little beast on crack (I am not even kidding). Travis gets caught in the crossfire and has learned that he should keep his emotions to himself because I cannot handle them. I am very hurtful to him, in frantic ways that are designed to push him away from me. It is ridiculous and totally time to knock it the fuck off. We all deserve better and the only person that can make it so is me.
But how do I do it? I don’t know, and I think I need a professional to help me out with this one. I have to wait until Trav goes back to work for our insurance to become active again, so until then I have to devise strategies for staying healthy.
1). Take my meds every single fucking day.
2). Create a reminder to refill them so I do not forget.
3). Exercise daily. Any movement counts. 20 Minutes or more, it isn’t that hard.
4). Choose good food. You like healthy food. Healthy food makes you feel good. You know this.
5). Stop fucking yelling. Now.
6). Remember that people love you.
7). Remember that people look up to you.
8). Remember what a big deal that is.
9). Let Travis have his own emotions.
10). Remember that it isn’t all about me.
None of this should be hard. This is nothing I cannot do. I am capable of this.